July 18, 2003

Very tired. Going to bed.

July 17, 2003

Today was a good day, the best I've had so far. I received many a compliment on my behaviors & playing softball. I was actually quite disappointed when I found out there was not going to be any double-scrub today. Also today I properly followed the chain of command talking with Susan about baseball on Sunday & received a no so I asked Oscar. Stating what Susan said & then asking for his opinion. I feel that I am making leaps & bounds in changing positively. I just need to remember to keep it up & thank God for helping me do it.

Gratitude List

• God's help
• My friends here in recovery
• My parents

July 16, 2003

1. The most difficult situation I was in today was going up in the front of peers.
2. The thoughts I had about that situation were why won't they leave me alone. They're full of shit.
3. At that point I told myself that this was happening because they care & they're right.
4. This led me to feel sad, guilty, helpless, & hopeful.
5. Which gave me the urge to hear them out.
6. The very next thing I did was have a smoke.
7. I wouldn't change it.

This morning I was frustrated & overwhelmed. But now I have a schedule for tomorrow & I feel much better.

July 15, 2003

The most difficult situation I was in today was reading my autobiography.

July 14, 2003

July 17, 2003

1. The most difficult situation I was in today was kissing Sandy because I was being pressured into it by my "brothers."
2. The thought I had was why are they embarrassing me?
3. At that point I told myself to hold on & do it.
4. This made me feel embarrassed, annoyed, anxious.
5. This gave me the urge to run away.
6. The very next ting I did was kiss her

Today was an awesome day. I stuck to my schedule & had an amazing visit. Sandy's "little one" called me Dada & Sandy & I kissed. I'm floating on cloud 9.

Gratitude List

• My brothers in recovery
• Sandy
• God's plan for me

July 13, 2003

July 12, 2003

July 11, 2003

July 10, 2003

July 9, 2003

1. The most difficult situation I was in today was sitting in the "hot seat" in group this afternoon.
2. The thoughts I had about this situation were what the fuck.
3. At that point, I told myself that this was happening because they care about me.
4. This led me to feel miserable, worthless, depressed, bitter, mournful, humiliated, despondent.
5. Which gave me the urge to run away.
6. The very next thing I did was have a smoke.
7. I wouldn't change it.

July 7, 2003

Unbelievably today was better than yesterday. I was blessed today. Kevin & I played a son in church & received a multitude of compliments & I had an offer for free piano lessons to be paid for by one of the parishioners. Not to mention I had the courage to ask Sandy for her phone number. I feel so good about myself. I think I might stay here in Bakersfield.

July 5, 2003

I feel free. Free of burden. I opened up in group tonight & finally for the first time in my life. I am a child that needs to grow up & I admitted it. I can not hide behind my parents anymore & run from my problems. It was hard for me to do but I was able to do it & by doing so it set me free!

July 4, 2003

I feel so alone. I miss my Mom & Dad. My Mom & Dad & I used to do everything together. I think I'm depressed I've practically slept all day. For some reason I feel left out & left down. I want to go home. I keep on thinking about the things Mom, Dad & I used to do together & the wholeness that I felt, but today I feel unfulfilled, as if a void is not filled. Maybe I feel unloved I'm not sure. All I know is I'd rather be home where I belong.

June 30, 2003

Tonight I am so anxious, I can't wait to see Mom & Dad. It's been 20 days since I've seen them. I miss them a lot. I've had a hard time dealing with their absence in my life even though I know that they are there. It's hard because they're there and I'm here. I can't explain why or how but I feel empty in some way with them not being with me each day. Maybe that,s why I crave a relationship so much.

June 29, 2003

I went to church today and dealt with something hard. Asking a girl Sandy for her #. I feel quite relieved & content.

June 28, 2003

I can't feel right now.